January 29, 2014

Now What?

Confession—I’m having a hard time. 

I’m having a hard time finding a job. I’m having a hard time being completely alone 80% of the week, and not knowing anyone to call in this city to chip away at that percentage. I’m having a hard time maintaining some sort of normality with my sleep schedule (aka not watching Veronica Mars until two o’clock in the morning and then sleeping until eleven). I’m having a hard time being with our dog all the time now that he’s gone insane and seems to be beckoning me to join him. I’m having a hard time being even a little productive with my empty days. I’m having a hard time trying not to be negative and sarcastic about life right now. I’m having a hard time trying to let go of how I thought life would be this year. 

When I watched babies and people asked me what I did I always replied with, “I’m just a nanny”.  Just. It was easy since I knew the job already had a time limit to it, two years and then I would move on to what I was supposed to do. When I actually moved on and ended up working for durable medical supply company, I really fought hard to not let this be something that I felt defined me. I was grateful for employment and the stability it offered, but I wanted to do my best and move on as quickly as possible. “I’m a CPAP consultant”, I would reply with the biggest possible eye roll and smirk on my face. It wasn’t who I was it was just what I did. 

Now I cook and clean, do the laundry, take the dog for a walk, and wait for my husband to come home. So if this is just what I do and not who I am, why do I feel so defined by it?

Moving across the country felt like a clean slate. That was how I comforted and reasoned with myself. A fresh start! I can be the kind of person I’ve wanted to be and talked about being, because no one will know the difference! I can get a job doing something I really want to do, no more excuses!…I can think of plenty excuses to take just about any job that comes my way after applying to at least 20 postings in a week and hearing absolutely nothing back from anyone—even in retail.

So yeah, I’m having a hard time. And I know I probably sound ridiculous and ungrateful—I’ll get around to writing a out how gorgeous it is here and how I honestly feel that Miles and I are going to be so happy here…but in this moment (and most of the moments in the past 3 weeks) I needed to confess that I feel really lost. 

At least now I have the time to unsubscribe from all Nashville area deals, shows, offers, exciting news. 

1 comment:

  1. Love you and miss you. Know how you feel except I had two small children. I pray the Lord will show you how He defines you. xoxo


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