We’re getting kind of down to the wire with our moving company quotes. I have no idea who will actually be transporting all that we own to Oregon, or when anything will arrive. The absolute best thing about this is that we have a place to arrive at in Bend, a temporary housing situation, if you will. And if I ever finish drawing up a lease, we will have friends as tenants for our house here. Frenants.
This is the first time since we decided to move that I have sat down for more than 2 minutes and done something unrelated to work (yesterday was my last day at the office), or packing up and leaving (and all that entails).
When I was flying out to meet Miles in Bend a few weekends ago--exactly three weekends ago--I started reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. Miles bought it for me months ago after we saw (and met!) her at a library event downtown. The event itself was incredible. I held my breath when finally I saw her on stage and hung on to every word she spoke. “If you want to write, just write”. Simple in theory, but coming from Anne Lamott, it felt like I was just given the answer to an impossible equation & then empowered to go out and take over the world with this knowledge. She went on to explain that her book, Bird by Bird is all about her thoughts on writing. And then the heavens opened and God smiled down on me and said “yes, my child, Anne’s thoughts on writing”.
In the only picture Miles was able to get of me while I had her sign my book (her book?), my face is bright red and I have the goofiest, widest smile on my face. Every time I look at that picture, I remember exactly how I felt, and exactly what I said “I’m just so happy you’re here”. As in, right in front of me, taking a book from my hand. But I don’t know if thats the message that was conveyed since its kind of a weird message. Anne just smiled and raised her eyebrows and said, “Oh? Thank you.”
All that being said...I want want to write, so I’m going to write. I want to be real, so I’m going to be real. I haven’t liked who I’ve become with this big move looming over our heads--more worried than usual, struggling to let go of how I thought our next year of life would be, super freakin’ dramatic and emotional--but thats just who I am right now, and I’m working through all of that.
I quit blogging because I felt so fake and self-obsessed. I tried to present my life in a pretty and exciting light, but my life is really not all that pretty or exciting all the time--comparatively speaking. And that was also a problem, I was comparing my life to others, which always left me feeling disappointed and dumb. But when I quit blogging, I quit writing. Not all together, but I didn’t realize what a good outlet this blog was until I wasn’t using it anymore. So we’ll see. I also want to start taking pictures again, without the intent to post them somewhere. I want to do a lot of things just for myself. And as selfish as that may sound, I need to take better care of myself and learn to treat myself again (treat yo’ self). And my treats are reading, writing and capturing shots of the world around me and the people I love.
There are so many better things I could have said when I met Anne Lamott, but those all came to me at a much later, conveniently useless time. There are so many other things that I wish I would have experienced more fully and appreciated more, but I always responded with “later, I’ll be in the moment later".
If moving across the country at the beginning of a new year with just my boo, our pets & no clue how everything will work out isn’t the time to start doing all the things I’ve wanted to do, then I don’t know when is.
So here we go.