December 28, 2013

We're moving! We're moving. Oh my goodness, we're moving...

On the 6th of January, Miles and I are packing our pets up and driving across the country to our new home in Bend, Oregon. Miles accepted his new job offer 12 days ago, and in 8 more days we will be on our way. To say that I am overwhelmed would be just a touch of an understatement. I have never had to work so hard at ignoring my OCD control freak nature, because I sho’ ain’t in control.

We’re getting kind of down to the wire with our moving company quotes. I have no idea who will actually be transporting all that we own to Oregon, or when anything will arrive. The absolute best thing about this is that we have a place to arrive at in Bend, a temporary housing situation, if you will. And if I ever finish drawing up a lease, we will have friends as tenants for our house here. Frenants. 

This is the first time since we decided to move that I have sat down for more than 2 minutes and done something unrelated to work (yesterday was my last day at the office), or packing up and leaving (and all that entails). 

When I was flying out to meet Miles in Bend a few weekends ago--exactly three weekends ago--I started reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. Miles bought it for me months ago after we saw (and met!) her at a library event downtown. The event itself was incredible. I held my breath when finally I saw her on stage and hung on to every word she spoke. “If you want to write, just write”. Simple in theory, but coming from Anne Lamott, it felt like I was just given the answer to an impossible equation & then empowered to go out and take over the world with this knowledge. She went on to explain that her book, Bird by Bird is all about her thoughts on writing. And then the heavens opened and God smiled down on me and said “yes, my child, Anne’s thoughts on writing”.

In the only picture Miles was able to get of me while I had her sign my book (her book?), my face is bright red and I have the goofiest, widest smile on my face. Every time I look at that picture, I remember exactly how I felt, and exactly what I said “I’m just so happy you’re here”. As in, right in front of me, taking a book from my hand. But I don’t know if thats the message that was conveyed since its kind of a weird message. Anne just smiled and raised her eyebrows and said, “Oh? Thank you.” 

All that being said...I want want to write, so I’m going to write. I want to be real, so I’m going to be real. I haven’t liked who I’ve become with this big move looming over our heads--more worried than usual, struggling to let go of how I thought our next year of life would be, super freakin’ dramatic and emotional--but thats just who I am right now, and I’m working through all of that. 

I quit blogging because I felt so fake and self-obsessed. I tried to present my life in a pretty  and exciting light, but my life is really not all that pretty or exciting all the time--comparatively speaking. And that was also a problem, I was comparing my life to others, which always  left me feeling disappointed and dumb. But when I quit blogging, I quit writing. Not all together, but I didn’t realize what a good outlet this blog was until I wasn’t using it anymore. So we’ll see. I also want to start taking pictures again, without the intent to post them somewhere. I want to do a lot of things just for myself. And as selfish as that may sound, I need to take better care of myself and learn to treat myself again (treat yo’ self). And my treats are reading, writing and capturing shots of the world around me and the people I love. 

There are so many better things I could have said when I met Anne Lamott, but those all came to me at a much later, conveniently useless time. There are so many other things that I wish I would have experienced more fully and appreciated more, but I always responded with “later, I’ll be in the moment later".

If moving across the country at the beginning of a new year with just my boo, our pets & no clue how everything will work out isn’t the time to start doing all the things I’ve wanted to do, then I don’t know when is. 

So here we go.

May 31, 2013

Last Day


Today is my last day of nannying. This week has felt really hectic and rushed, so I haven't really had any time to process that this is it. Its strange to love a small someone so completely unrelated to you, but  I do, and this babe has changed me. I have spent more time with this one child over the past two years than with any other person, even Miles. There has only been one week of my married life where I wasn't her nanny. So much has happened and countless things have changed over the past two years, but this will be the biggest one for me. 

I  know this isn't parenthood, no where close! I handed her back over at the end of each day and had my freedom to come home to. But there is a sadness in leaving that I can't quite find the words for. This little girl  is so intelligent, heart-meltingly sweet and incredibly funny. I will miss hearing her shout my name when I come in the mornings "Met-ooh-wee!!", when she gets really close to my face, says "wook ah me" and gives me a kiss, and when she squeals with excitement and falls into fits of laughter. To love such a small babe, to watch her grow, and to (eventually) be loved back, is truly one of the most incredible experiences of my life thus far. 

April 01, 2013


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Can I just say how much I seriously love my sister? She is absolutely one of the best people I know. That being said, all the other best people I know happen to also be in my family....I'm not at all biased or partial, I'm just that lucky.

This girl is living it up in Chicago--a city we all know I constantly drool over and dream about. She takes the friggin coolest courses in school. She's getting certified as a non-profit professional--which is more legit than my whole degree. She has the absolute funniest real life stories. She is so goofy and holds her own in the sarcasm city that is my life. We say whole, unplanned sentences together more than should naturally be possible. Poor Miles is doubly made fun of whenever my sister and I are together.

Hannah and I weren't really close (like, at all) until my senior year of high school, so we really missed out on some quality time together. But I think we've more than made up for that. I have so enjoyed watching her grow into an incredible, smart, strong young woman, and to see our relationship grow into adulthood. She is my kindred spirit and my best friend. She is amazing and I can't wait to see more of what her life holds and how she rises to the occasion!

March 18, 2013


I want to remember what I'm feeling.

(image via)

A little over a week ago, my phone rang and something in me changed. 
A person that I had known my whole life had unexpectedly passed away. 

She was the cool older kid who always included me, she was one of the few people apart from family that we kept in touch with after we moved across the world. Our daily lives stopped crossing natural paths 15 years ago--and now that I think of it, they hardly ever crossed naturally, she just made a point to make sure they did. I am the living cliche of not realizing how much someone means to me until they are gone. Of always assuming a tomorrow, or later, or more time.

There is something about an unexpected death that I knew was tragic and heartbreaking, but haven't been able to feel until now. To be untouched by that pain for 24 years is a gift I didn't realize I was holding on to. And the pain is in my lungs, tightening the air, in my throat, choking my breath, and in an ever constant threat of pouring out of my eyes. And then there is the pain in my heart for all those she left behind. Her parents, brother, grandmother, and her son. For all of her friends, hundreds who showed up for a final goodbye.

My dad flew in to speak at her funeral and did the most incredible job of celebrating who she was and how she loved others. He spoke about time, how we are bound to it, and how we measure it. Lara was 36 years old. My dad said if we measured our lives not by days and years, but by friendships and the love we give, she would've outlived us all. And she would've. 

And so I'm re-thinking how I measure time, and how I love others.  
Thats about all I can stand to hold on to from the past week.
Even though I'm at al loss when it comes to finding a new normal,
I know it exists and that I am just learning how to grieve.

February 05, 2013


Jackson skies over the weekend

If it wasn't already pretty obvious, I'm taking a lil' break. Miles keeps asking me to put up new posts, but I'm just not feeling it. Everything is wonderful, but I feel a bit like a broken record on here. So I won't bore you with the same details, and I'll continue to focus on being present and thankful in each moment. The end! For now.

January 21, 2013


We hung out like crazy and had so much fun, I forgot to take any pictures. I'm okay with that.

January 15, 2013

52 Lists: Greatest Comforts

You know, in theory, I would love to have my own baby to take a portrait of every week this year. Alas, I do not. I'll just look at everyone else's. But I am going to try and take part of Moorea's 52 Lists series-albeit, I'm getting a late start. This week, I listed my greatest comforts. I kind of got carried away, but I really loved what Moorea said about her list making,

     "I thought I would only have maybe 5 or 6 methods to finding comfort, but my list kept growing and growing!  And now every time I look at my list, I just feel comfort surrounding me as I think of all of the ways that I can grasp comfort in my everyday life" 

Boom! Ditto. Exactly.

Grey Days

Oh, hey.

After dragging through the rainy, icy coldness that was yesterday, I sprung out of bed early on time this morning to ensure that I could get some espresso in my body to better brace myself for another grey day. Personally, I love these kinds of days--when I'm not at work, cooped up inside with three energetic kiddos. I think I've explained the concept of "sharing" and "taking turns"about three zillion times in the past two hours. But you know what? I'm so grateful for this job, for baby kisses, for my home, my kitten son, my love, real conversations, new coffee shops, good books and hot tea. Deciding to be thankful and intentional, and then actually following through has been so wonderful. Why didn't I do this earlier?