I have hope that this new year will hold a lot for me. I've just re-read a ton of older posts from this blog and basically kept reading the same thing in each one. Ever since starting this nannying gig, my life has kind of felt like its on hold. So many things have happened since then, we've gone on trips, tried to buy several houses, finally succeeded, gone on countless dates, had a lot of fun...But when I re-read my words over the past year and a half, I get the distinct sense that I've been living in a muted fashion.
There is some arbitrary notion that I can't shake from my brain that once I am able to put my degree to work in some way, I'll feel the sense of accomplishment that I am currently lacking. I feel like all the "big" things I've done have been part of the "we" that is Miles and I. Obviously I recognize that I am married, and that its going to be "we" for a very long time--and I'm so very happy about that. But Miles and I both believe that we are still very much individual people. And while we have so many shared hopes and dreams, we also have distinctly individual aspirations.
I am grateful to have a partner who believes in me more than I often believe in myself. I'm going to really need to work on believing in myself come Summer 2013 when I start looking for a new, "real" job. I am 100% terrified, but will have also been waiting for this new chapter to begin for almost two years. Two years I put life on hold*! And I'm not all too convinced that I needed to put everything on hold, I think I'm just really intimidated by the thought of wading deeper into adulthood and all that entails.
Around this time last year, I reflected a lot on how amazing 2011 had been. Finishing school and getting married were two of the biggest things that had ever happened to me. But I didn't spend a whole lot of serious thought on what 2012 would hold, or what I wanted it to. For the first time....ever, I knew what job I would have for the entire year, how my days and weeks would look, no huge deadlines of any sort, no big changes, no more semesters to plan around...I knew what 2012 was going to be like, generally speaking. And generally speaking, I was right. I wasn't challenged because I didn't challenge myself. Sure I didn't know the details, but not setting goals or having dreams for the new year definitely fed into my complacency and life-on-hold-ness. I started thinking about this actually around my birthday this year, when I realized I hadn't done much that I was proud of in my 23rd year of life--that put a damper on my celebrations for sure.
So I'm going to be intentional. Miles and I use that word a lot in our relationship. We work really hard on being intentional with one another, and I will continue to do so with him. But in 2013, I'm resolving to be intentional with myself. Which feels really scary since I've fallen so out of habit.
I was kind of on the fence with this blog. I always worry about the borderline narcissistic nature of posting about my life. But I needed to have all those posts to re-read in order to realize what I wanted for myself in the new year. My journals never make much sense if I ever try to re-read them, this blog's archive is way more helpful in that sense. So I'll keep on posting, if only for myself. To hold myself accountable to words written about taking better care of my Self.
* I really don't want to sound like I've had a miserable year, I really haven't! I am so thankful for the people I've met and friendships that have grown in this year. I've had so much fun, read wonderful books, eaten incredible food, made fantastic memories, embraced becoming a crazy cat mom, laughed until it hurt & fallen even more in love with Miles. I just also want to be real and honest about what I haven't done, and take the steps towards not repeating that in the new year.