Last Day

Today is my last day of nannying. This week has felt really hectic and rushed, so I haven't really had any time to process that this is it. Its strange to love a small someone so completely unrelated to you, but  I do, and this babe has changed me. I have spent more time with this one child over the past two years than with any other person, even Miles. There has only been one week of my married life where I wasn't her nanny. So much has happened and countless things have changed over the past two years, but this will be the biggest one for me. 

I  know this isn't parenthood, no where close! I handed her back over at the end of each day and had my freedom to come home to. But there is a sadness in leaving that I can't quite find the words for. This little girl  is so intelligent, heart-meltingly sweet and incredibly funny. I will miss hearing her shout my name when I come in the mornings "Met-ooh-wee!!", when she gets really close to my face, says "wook ah me" and gives me a kiss, and when she squeals with excitement and falls into fits of laughter. To love such a small babe, to watch her grow, and to (eventually) be loved back, is truly one of the most incredible experiences of my life thus far. 

Grey Days

Oh, hey.

After dragging through the rainy, icy coldness that was yesterday, I sprung out of bed early on time this morning to ensure that I could get some espresso in my body to better brace myself for another grey day. Personally, I love these kinds of days--when I'm not at work, cooped up inside with three energetic kiddos. I think I've explained the concept of "sharing" and "taking turns"about three zillion times in the past two hours. But you know what? I'm so grateful for this job, for baby kisses, for my home, my kitten son, my love, real conversations, new coffee shops, good books and hot tea. Deciding to be thankful and intentional, and then actually following through has been so wonderful. Why didn't I do this earlier?

An Old Year, A New Year

I have hope that this new year will hold a lot for me. I've just re-read a ton of older posts from this blog and basically kept reading the same thing in each one. Ever since starting this nannying gig, my life has kind of felt like its on hold. So many things have happened since then, we've gone on trips, tried to buy several houses, finally succeeded, gone on countless dates, had a lot of fun...But when I re-read my words over the past year and a half, I get the distinct sense that I've been living in a muted fashion. 

There is some arbitrary notion that I can't shake from my brain that once I am able to put my degree to work in some way, I'll feel the sense of accomplishment  that I am currently lacking. I feel like all the "big" things I've done have been part of the "we" that is Miles and I. Obviously I recognize that I am married, and that its going to be "we" for a very long time--and I'm so very happy about that. But Miles and I both believe that we are still very much individual people. And while we have so many shared hopes and dreams, we also have distinctly individual aspirations. 

I am grateful to have a partner who believes in me more than I often believe in myself. I'm going to really need to work on believing in myself come Summer 2013 when I start looking for a new, "real" job. I am 100% terrified, but will have also been waiting for this new chapter to begin for almost two years. Two years I put life on hold*! And I'm not all too convinced that I needed to put everything on hold, I think I'm just really intimidated by the thought of wading deeper into adulthood and all that entails.

Around this time last year, I reflected a lot on how amazing 2011 had been. Finishing school and getting married were two of the biggest things that had ever happened to me. But I didn't spend a whole lot of serious thought on what 2012 would hold, or what I wanted it to. For the first time....ever, I knew what job I would have for the entire year, how my days and weeks would look, no huge deadlines of any sort, no big changes, no more semesters to plan around...I knew what 2012 was going to be like, generally speaking. And generally speaking, I was right. I wasn't challenged because I didn't challenge myself. Sure I didn't know the details, but not setting goals or having dreams for the new year definitely fed into my complacency and life-on-hold-ness. I started thinking about this actually around my birthday this year, when I realized I hadn't done much that I was proud of in my 23rd year of life--that put a damper on my celebrations for sure.

So I'm going to be intentional. Miles and I use that word a lot in our relationship. We work really hard on being intentional with one another, and I will continue to do so with him. But in 2013, I'm resolving to be intentional with myself. Which feels really scary since I've fallen so out of habit. 

I was kind of on the fence with this blog. I always worry about the borderline narcissistic nature of posting about my life. But I needed to have all those posts to re-read in order to realize what I wanted for myself in the new year. My journals never make much sense if I ever try to re-read them, this blog's archive is way more helpful in that sense. So I'll keep on posting, if only for myself. To hold myself accountable to words written about taking better care of my Self.

*  I really don't want to sound like I've had a miserable year, I really haven't! I am so thankful for the people I've met and friendships that have grown in this year. I've had so much fun, read wonderful books, eaten incredible food, made fantastic memories, embraced becoming a crazy cat mom, laughed until it hurt & fallen even more in love with Miles. I just also want to be real and honest about what I haven't done, and take the steps towards not repeating that in the new year.

Just, Blah

I told Miles last night I feel pretty "blah" most of the time. Very thankful for my husband, my job, our home, our baby kitty, my new car...but too exhausted to really feel like I'm appreciating anything properly. For almost a month now, I've been watching a second nanny baby. An 18 month old is definitely a handful, but add a 4 month old to the mix and I'm about dead by the end of the day. I know moms do this all the time, and I know they're way more exhausted that I am since I can hand the babies over at 5, but ahhhhh! So this is my "I'm still alive, but barely" post. Hopefully I can figure out a way to reclaim my life outside of nanny hood soon. But until then, my bed (with a newly purchased memory foam topper, wowzers) is my favorite place to be, and the hardest place to leave. 

Story Time

Can I brag on the Nashville Public Library's children's program? We go to story time at the main branch every week, and try to make it to most of the other shows they put on and I have loved every single one. We went to a Mother Goose show a few weeks ago and Ellingtown today. I was worried about making it to these library events with a second little one in tow, and its definitely harder, but so worth it. My bigger (as in, 18 months) nanny bebe loves all the puppets from story time, and squeals with excitement when we pull into the parking garage to the library.

Being a nanny, I have a lot of time to think about what I'll do when I'm actually taking care of my baby one day...and every time I'm in the children's theater at the main library, I feel so proud of my city and it makes me so happy to think of bringing my babes to story time one day.

Morning

The birthday surprises were a success!! I'll upload some goofy pictures from yesterday and share all that soon. I'm so happy Miles was surprised and loved each gift more than the last (totally planned, dude).

My morning was half errand running, half park sitting. Nanny baby was an (almost) excellent companion. I'll be glad to not have three stories to carry her up and down when we have to take stuff up to and down from our apartment. Phew!

When we finally got to the park, she sat forever just crunching up all the leaves under a huge magnolia tree. I sat, contentedly receiving the baby gift of leaf dust all over my dress and in my hair, enjoying this ah-maaaazing weather. Amazing.

Conversations With A Two Year Old

Is your play set up now?

Yeth

Did you play on it this weekend?

Yeth

What is your favorite part?

(no reply)

The slide?

(after much consideration) "Cupcaketh"

After spending the whole morning being asked "when ith the party?", "where are my cupcaketh?":

Did you go to a birthday party this weekend?

Yeth

Did you eat cupcakes?

No

Did you play games?

No

Did you see a clown? 

No

What did you do?

(whispers), "I juth ate rithe..."

Now he is launching missiles. Carrot missiles. Mouth launching. 

Just eat one more carrot and you can have your crackers (crackers=food gold/bribe currency)

No...I juth eat THREE more carroths!

Ok.

Good thing I love these kinds of conversations. 

Third Thursday

Yeah, I know this is a day late. And that I've completely forgotten to do this since I first resolved to. But I'll try to do better, knowing that I have no excuses...

Here is a little list of things that I am thankful for, I fell asleep thinking about them once I realized I forgot about this post. It really was a wonderful way to fall asleep, even if I had weird dreams all night. (Correlation?) Anyways, I am thankful for these things:

• That we didn't end up buying the first house we fell in love with. It probably would have been a disaster.
• Miles watches Titanic documentaries with me, and that this week, it lead to him watching the first Downton Abbey episode. And liking it. 
• He also reads books that I love just so we can talk about them later.
• Discovering the Draw Something app. Is that a silly thing to be thankful for? So fun for me during my nanny days.
• After 4 days of me begging and pouting, Miles begrudgingly got the Draw Something app so I could play with him
• The way Miles cleans the kitchen up. 70% completion*, 100% effort.
• The nanny babe officially gives real hugs now. And they are the absolute best.
• Also, sometimes it sounds like she's speaking Parseltounge. She's the real HP. With parents and no scar. 
• I wore maxi skirts and sleeveless tops almost every day this week.
• Eating kale. Always.
• (and since this post is a day late) I am thankful for beautifully rainy, non-tornado-y stormy days.

Can I also reiterate how thankful I am for Miles? That he loves me, and likes me, and thinks I'm funny (but really, duh), and wants to spend time with me. I would like to say thats a given for husbands and wives, but he and I know that it isn't, and that makes us all the more grateful for what we have with each other. Boo, I crazy love you.

p.s. you're goofy.

*He cleans everything within his direct line of vision when he's standing in front of the sink. Even if the sink is piled high with stuff. Except, he'll move things over to the right of the sink so he has room to wash dishes, and then he forgets about the things he's moved. And if there is anything on the stovetop, it will stay there. Same with the coffee table (we still don't have a dining room table). In his defense, the coffee table isn't in the kitchen...

Baby Lovin'

I love watching this nanny baby. Good thing her parents recently asked me to work through next summer. I can't wait to see her walk and begin to talk. I can't believe how much of a personality she already has. And since I'm not her mommy, I think I'm a little less biased when I say she is sooo adorably beautiful. I think her eyelashes are honestly longer than mine. Most of all, this baby girl cracks me up. She is so goofy and mischievous. I swear she's smarter than she lets on. As soon as she learned how to crawl, it was game on. She is all over the place and pulls up on everything possible (and then some). If I'm sitting on the floor, I am her personal step stool/jungle gym. She's getting into everything, and obviously scaring/hurting herself a lot more when she bonks into something or topples over unexpectedly. 95% of the time she's totally fine, but she has to look over at me a little stunned and have me tell her that before she is sure and moves on to something else. Or the exact same thing. 

She now knows how to cry like she's hurt when she really just doesn't want to take a nap. It took me a while to figure that trick out. She only gives her mirrored reflection kisses. Working on that one. She laughs hysterically when I kiss her chin. She loves inspecting the bottom of her bottle and then playing with the resultant milk puddle. She hugs anything small enough to wrap her arms around, especially  baby dolls, she hold those to her chest so tight I could die from cuteness. She never sits straight in highchairs. She hates having her nose wiped. She loves music and dances on her knees whenever she hears a song. She has stood up on her own twice in the past two days, but only for a second or so. It still makes my heart skip a beat. My phone is 90% filled with pictures and videos of her. Just the other morning, she was playing around with all her toys across the room from me when she looked at me, smiled, b-lined over and plopped her head down on my lap. I know I'll love our babies so much more than I could ever love anyone else's...but, wow. This girl has all my baby lovin' until then. 

One Of Those Weeks...

Its been one of those long weeks, where I feel like every day should be Friday already. And for no specific reason, really. I just couldn't believe it every single day (until today) that it wasn't the end of the week yet. And now that its here, I feel a mixture of "what took you so long?" and "well it doesn't matter anyways since tomorrow Miles has to work and I have to babysit just like every other day of the week". If that last one counts as a feeling. Its more of a thought? I still feel quite strongly about it. To make the week feel longer, the internet has been out at my nanny baby's house, so I've used up most of my allotted... 3Gness way before our billing period is up. Of course the internet is back on now. The last hour of the work week.

I didn't mean to have such a negative post. This week has just felt so full. The nanny babe is pulling up on everything now, which makes me super nervous. So I'm nervous all the time now. And she finds it hilarious when I put her down for a nap. She will literally just sit in her crib and laugh for an hour until she realizes "wait, this isn't funny" and then she cries. She's figured out how to misuse her "I'm in pain!" cry for those moments. It took me a few days to figure out that she was faking it. She's also spitting up a lot. I think its because she moves around so much more and her belly can't deal. So I just follow her around and make sure she doesn't topple over, whilst also cleaning spit up...up. My days are lovely!

On the possible home front: we have two completely different estimates for the work that needs to be done on the house we want to buy, which means we need to get a third to see which price range is more realistic. I can't find any other companies to come out to the house until next Friday, when we were hoping to have everything done and negotiated by Wednesday at the latest. We either need closure, or we need to start packing. And we won't know which to focus on until we get the third estimate and begin negotiations. Miles and I have been working our butts off to have money for all that will come if we buy the house and for our trip to Chicago next weekend. So its been guitar working, nannying, retail and lots of on the side babysitting. All that equals very little time together. And when I'm a nanny for 50+ hours a week, babysitting is literally the last thing in the world  that I want to do. Is that mean to say? I'm married. I want to see my husband for more than an hour in between kiddo watching. Not that I don't adore all the little ones I watch, I really do. I just adore my husband more. And miss him. 

Still with the negativity!! I won't post again until I have something wonderful. Or at least silly.

Screeching Halt

So, maybe I jumped the gun with my extreme enthusiasm over the house. We had our home inspection yesterday and they found cracks in the exterior walls. Wompwomp. So we're meeting with our Realtor to see what our next steps can be. At least Miles and I agree that we're not going to buy a house that could have something wrong with the foundation. That would just be dumb. So now, we're just trying to let go. Not of the house entirely, but just of the situation. If we're really supposed to buy this house, then it will work out. If not, we'll just have more time to save money  and find something else. And I'm really trying to be okay with that. 

At least I have not one, but two kiddos to cuddle with today (and that its almost nap time for both of them)(Don't judge)

Cuddle Baby

I loved being off all last week and getting so much cleaned and organized, and having lunch with friends and mother-in-laws, and being able to take my time making dinner for Miles. But I also equally love being back with the nanny baby. I feel like she's already changed so, so much and that I missed out big time. And I ain't even her momma. Laws, I need to cool it.

Already Forgetting

Last night as Miles and I were eating dinner, I realized that we had forgotten our four month anniversary (November 2). Yeah, okay, its not that big of a deal. We both forgot, so that worked out well. But how are we already failing at remembering anniversaries? I can't tell if I'm really upset that we forgot, or if I just feel like I should be. I'm going to say...just feel like I should be. Everything is so wonderful, its not like we forgot because we don't remember that time we got married only four months ago...we're just busy looking forward to weekends and evenings together, talking about house buying (yeah, I know last week I said that wasn't happening soon...but it might if we find something good), watching terrible, awful movies from redbox, failing at dinner-making and not making messes in the kitchen, and having husbands be employee of the month and winning a new Les Paul. Our loves are wonderful, we are in love, I'm okay with forgetting a teensy anniversary. 

The rest of November is going to be so fabulous. I am off next week, glory hallelujer! A whole week to myself to clean and actually have time to cook and bake and organize and read without baby interruptions. That being said, I'm pretty sure I'm going to miss the nanny babe like crazy come Monday afternoon. Then my birthday is coming up, and a week later my brother and sister are flying down from Chicago. We get to spend the whole day in Nashy hanging out, being awesome siblings, and then when Miles gets off work we're piling into the car and headed to our aunt's house for Thanksgiving weekend. I l-o-v-e thanksgiving weekend with my aunt and her family. And this year is going to be the best yet with both of my siblings and my lovely new husband. My cousins have already talked about watching Elf after our thanksgiving feast. Bring it on.

We're headed down to a friend's farm tomorrow afternoon and evening and I got a little too excited when I saw "s'mores items" on the list of things people could offer to bring. I offered. duh. I can't wait to be outside in the beautiful weather tomorrow even though I'm not 100% sure what the hang times will look like or consist of since we're tagging along with a few new friends and a lot of people we don't know. And I'm sure we won't have a giant bonfire. But there will be s'mores. There will be s'mores...

found on pintrest, here

..Doing what?

I feel like we've been super busy the past few weeks, but I can't actually think of what we've been busy doing..Definitely not capturing any of those busy moments with my phone. Looking through them, I've even cut back on taking baby pictures. Whaaa? So here is what I've been doing lately, according to my phone. Its pretty accurate, I suppose. 

November is so soon. November is the best. This November I turn 23, and a week after that, I get to celebrate Thanksgiving with some of the people I love most in the whole world (and miss my parents at the same time) 

Also in November, we can finally use this Groupon I bought in September  not realizing that I had to select a specific month in which the Groupon could be used (and apparently selected November). Food! Yay!

Yeesh...

This week has been a tad bit trying with the nanny baby. Poor thing has a stopped up nose and can't sleep well because of it. Her naps have been all over the place and now that the week is almost over, I can feel it taking a toll on my brain. Apparently she sleeps just fine during the night, probably because she is not sleeping at all when I'm here during the day. Her frustrated cries officially give me frustrated headaches. 

I am in definite need of the weekend. Normally I'm pretty whatevs in my feelings toward "needing" a break. I'm just a nanny, I know this. But this weekend couldn't come sooner. Hallelujer. After spending an obscene amount of money on tires yesterday (and being told more work would have to eventually done on my piece of crap car), Miles trying to throw a "let buy a house when our lease is up" on me the other day, a two-year old baby eye poker on Tuesday and a sick little one all week, bring on the weekend.  And I'm not making any plans either. I found a Target gift card the other day and bought Bridesmaids with it and intend to watch it at least twice. We've also had Thor sitting in its unopened Netflix envelope for a few weeks. So couch potato weekend it is. I also need to psych myself up do start a Master Cleanse on Monday. I'm scared I'll starve. But I want to do it so bad!

Also, I would like a couch like this

To be a potato on. (Ikea, please come to Nashy)

Side confession: I am so tempted to purchase every single haunted house related Groupon that I get in my email. Miles, pleeeeeeaasseee go with me this year?

Oh, Life

I obviously haven't posted very much lately. I spend my days watching a chunky, adorable, goofy, cheese-ball baby girl (happy five month birthday sweetthaaang). She has just discovered her toes as her new favorite thing to stick in her mouth and slobber all over. My phone is completely full of pictures of this baby, and hardly any of my own boo. Oops? He's still around. But this baby has been the cure for my own baby fever that I was afraid would take over after the wedding. Hurray!! (the long labor day weekend was rough...and I'm wondering how I will handle withdrawals over the holiday season) I've decided not to post pictures of the little one out of respect for her parents. I mean, if I can ever afford to have a nanny for my babes and blogging is still something at that point in time, I would hope they would do the same. But man oh man, is she too adorable. You would die. 

So my life revolving around this baby has been a drastic change from anything else I've ever known. I wear pretty much the same five outfits during the week (mostly leggings and baggy shirts), no make-up  whatsoever during the week (when I wouldn't have been caught dead without it 4 months ago). I take walks with the babe, but rarely take her out in public--its too dang hard! Her stroller is ginormous and I get nasty looks wherever I go with it (okay, just at a cramped Moe's during a busy lunch hour), her car seat leaves red pinch marks on my arm, I'm terrified of her crying, what if she poops out of her diaper? Its just not worth it.  So we sit at home or go to the park. I am still watching way too much television. Currently, I am completely mesmerized by Mel B's accent while watching her reality show. Its so...I can't....how to describe...?

I had my first ever pumpkin spiced latte today (thats another thing, I never take the babe to my fave local coffee shop because that means I have to get her out of the car...hello, drive-thru!) My experience with the pumpkin spiced latte was as follows:

First sip: oh my goodness, this is incredible.

Second sip: this is pretty good. why haven't I tried this before?

Third sip: wow...this is.....really sweet.

Fourth sip: sugar coma.
And that was the end of my first (and last fa-shooo) with the pumpkin spiced latte.

It was way too hard for me to focus for the 5 minute drive back to the babe's house. When we finally got there I had to shove a handful of Pringles in to my mouth to counter my sugar intake and continue on with my nanny duties. 

Speaking of nanny duties...the babe looks like she's overdue for a cuddle.

Lately

Miles and I have been pretty lazy about doing things lately, and when we do them we always forget to take pictures. My phone now has been overrun by adorable nanny baby pictures. This little bebe is so incredibly adorable and sweet, I'm sure if she could speak she would tell me to leave her alone 80% of the day. I will do anything to get her to smile (but its not really that hard, so presh), I will talk in an exceedingly high pitched voice for several minutes just to get her to coo along with me. Most of the time I wonder how I get paid for this...But then she'll have a diaper blow out or not want to go down for a nap (and want the whole world to hear about how she doesn't want to nap) and then I think to myself, "yes, I absolutely get paid for this". Then have to hold my breath to change the diaper or convince myself that I won't actually lose my mind if she doesn't immediately stop screaming. But I'd say thats only about 10% of my time with her. Maybe less? I lucked out. As far as jobs go. As far as jobs when you have no idea what to do with your life but still need to pay bills go.

Today was the first day since I began watching the baby that it stayed cool enough for us to be outside for a long period of time. I walked out of our apartment building this morning and thought I was going to cry it felt so incredible outside. I have finally realized/decided that fall is my absolute favorite season. I don't know why it took me so long to realize it. I guess I don't want to give any of the other seasons the shaft because I love little things about all of them. But fall has to win in my book. Fall brings relief (the sweet, glorious relief) from summer's sweltering heat, the trees turn colors and the colors take your breath away even if they're the same as last year's, there are corn mazes and haunted houses and Thanksgiving and cool breezes and tights to be worn and pumpkins to be picked and there is Christmas to be prepared for. That last bit, that has to be by far the best thing about fall--it carries us to the Christmas season! Bethany=obsessed with the Christmas season. Then there is winter and snow is fun for a while, then everything is cold and wet and salty (but Christmas is over, sooo....wompwomp) and spring is so beautiful and everything is in bloom, but then there are terrible storms everywhere and I worry all the time and then summer is fun when the pool is finally warm enough to swim in. But come August I'm over it.

I just love fall and I get butterflies in the morning when I walk out and the air is cool. That happened this morning and here it is, 9:00 at night and I am still in a good mood from that breeze.

I'm going to take that baby on so many walks.

Grunge Sponge

For the past three weeks I have been such a grunge sponge. What is a grunge sponge you may ask? Its basically a person (lets say...a nanny), who is still clean, but very lazy with their appearance. And sponge is the only word I could think of that rhymed to go along with it. I mean, for nine hours a day, five days a week, I am alone in a house with a baby. I have to wear something that I can be comfortable in sitting on the floor, bending over crib rails, swinging the babe on my hip....okay I guess I'm making up ridiculous reasons to wear basically the same clothes every day. Target leggings and flowy tops. And makeup? Why bother when literally no one else is going to see me all day? But right now I am missing a reason to look even remotely cute during the week. I've become such a grunge sponge that I'm afraid I'll forget how to put together an outfit that doesn't consist of leggings.  And summer is my least fave season because no matter what you wear, you're hot and sticky. Summer also makes me want to chop all my hair off again. How do these gorgeous girls with long flowy locks walk around with their hair down? I die. 

Lately I've been longing for fall weather. I love fall. The cool, crisp weather. The incredible colors. The freshness of the air when you walk outside. Being able to walk outside without having a heat stroke.

I know I'll miss the lovely walk from my apartment to my school but as soon as it cools down in Nashy I'm going to load up this baby in her stroller and spend our days in the park across the street. Then I can look fab in the park.

The other day I joined Pinterest and am still getting used to it. I'm not one to browse a million blogs and websites for inspiration. I find the five or so blogs whose owners do all that for me, but since all I have is time these days I am trying to break out of that shell. Here's to the glorious fall season, I'm eagerly awaiting your arrival (you too, winter, I still love you too).

from The Locals and The Sartorialist

Sorry, this was a terribly vain post. But if you could see what I look like every day, you would understand.

Slacker

Oh my goodness I have been slacking so much...blogging, thank you notes, becoming a chef extraordinaire. I blame it on the Kardashians. For the past two weeks I have been one part newlywed, one part baby watcher and one part vegetable. I have definitely watched more television in these two weeks than in the past 4 years. The other day I realized how serious my problem was...

Yes. That is me double watching Keeping up with the Kardashians (while the babe was sleeping, I'm not a horrible nanny, I promise). I finally caught up with all the episodes today so I feel like I can put a rest to this completely ridiculous obsession. I can also stop unknowingly channeling Khloe when I am home with Miles. Poor husband. 

Other than watching terrible reality shows and crying from laughing so hard while watching 3 Men and a Baby for the first time (diaper changing scene, anyone?)(such a sucker for an easy laugh), this has been what the majority of my days look like:

I can't even deal. This babe is so precious. Yesterday, I took her with me to change my name and get a new license. She screamed and cried the whole car ride but was a perfect little adorable angel when we we're at the social security office and the DMV. Such a little ham! Also, I am totally okay with how nice everyone is to me when I am carrying a baby around.

Tonight, Miles and I are going to try and revive our social life. I mean, not that our socializing with friends was on fire before the wedding, but what little flame we did have has died down to barely a simmer. That analogy was just...amazing (terrible). So heres to going out with friends who are moving away to D.C. in August. Gotta pack in all the hang times we can before that sad, sad day. 

Hopefully we don't fall asleep at the table/bar/party/wherever we are when the clock strikes 9 since that has been our old married couple bed time for the last 15 days.