Mourning

I want to remember what I'm feeling.

(image via)

A little over a week ago, my phone rang and something in me changed. 

A person that I had known my whole life had unexpectedly passed away. 

She was the cool older kid who always included me, she was one of the few people apart from family that we kept in touch with after we moved across the world. Our daily lives stopped crossing natural paths 15 years ago--and now that I think of it, they hardly ever crossed naturally, she just made a point to make sure they did. I am the living cliche of not realizing how much someone means to me until they are gone. Of always assuming a tomorrow, or later, or more time.

There is something about an unexpected death that I knew was tragic and heartbreaking, but haven't been able to feel until now. To be untouched by that pain for 24 years is a gift I didn't realize I was holding on to. And the pain is in my lungs, tightening the air, in my throat, choking my breath, and in an ever constant threat of pouring out of my eyes. And then there is the pain in my heart for all those she left behind. Her parents, brother, grandmother, and her son. For all of her friends, hundreds who showed up for a final goodbye.

My dad flew in to speak at her funeral and did the most incredible job of celebrating who she was and how she loved others. He spoke about time, how we are bound to it, and how we measure it. Lara was 36 years old. My dad said if we measured our lives not by days and years, but by friendships and the love we give, she would've outlived us all. And she would've. 

And so I'm re-thinking how I measure time, and how I love others.  

Thats about all I can stand to hold on to from the past week.

Even though I'm at al loss when it comes to finding a new normal,

I know it exists and that I am just learning how to grieve.

An Old Year, A New Year

I have hope that this new year will hold a lot for me. I've just re-read a ton of older posts from this blog and basically kept reading the same thing in each one. Ever since starting this nannying gig, my life has kind of felt like its on hold. So many things have happened since then, we've gone on trips, tried to buy several houses, finally succeeded, gone on countless dates, had a lot of fun...But when I re-read my words over the past year and a half, I get the distinct sense that I've been living in a muted fashion. 

There is some arbitrary notion that I can't shake from my brain that once I am able to put my degree to work in some way, I'll feel the sense of accomplishment  that I am currently lacking. I feel like all the "big" things I've done have been part of the "we" that is Miles and I. Obviously I recognize that I am married, and that its going to be "we" for a very long time--and I'm so very happy about that. But Miles and I both believe that we are still very much individual people. And while we have so many shared hopes and dreams, we also have distinctly individual aspirations. 

I am grateful to have a partner who believes in me more than I often believe in myself. I'm going to really need to work on believing in myself come Summer 2013 when I start looking for a new, "real" job. I am 100% terrified, but will have also been waiting for this new chapter to begin for almost two years. Two years I put life on hold*! And I'm not all too convinced that I needed to put everything on hold, I think I'm just really intimidated by the thought of wading deeper into adulthood and all that entails.

Around this time last year, I reflected a lot on how amazing 2011 had been. Finishing school and getting married were two of the biggest things that had ever happened to me. But I didn't spend a whole lot of serious thought on what 2012 would hold, or what I wanted it to. For the first time....ever, I knew what job I would have for the entire year, how my days and weeks would look, no huge deadlines of any sort, no big changes, no more semesters to plan around...I knew what 2012 was going to be like, generally speaking. And generally speaking, I was right. I wasn't challenged because I didn't challenge myself. Sure I didn't know the details, but not setting goals or having dreams for the new year definitely fed into my complacency and life-on-hold-ness. I started thinking about this actually around my birthday this year, when I realized I hadn't done much that I was proud of in my 23rd year of life--that put a damper on my celebrations for sure.

So I'm going to be intentional. Miles and I use that word a lot in our relationship. We work really hard on being intentional with one another, and I will continue to do so with him. But in 2013, I'm resolving to be intentional with myself. Which feels really scary since I've fallen so out of habit. 

I was kind of on the fence with this blog. I always worry about the borderline narcissistic nature of posting about my life. But I needed to have all those posts to re-read in order to realize what I wanted for myself in the new year. My journals never make much sense if I ever try to re-read them, this blog's archive is way more helpful in that sense. So I'll keep on posting, if only for myself. To hold myself accountable to words written about taking better care of my Self.

*  I really don't want to sound like I've had a miserable year, I really haven't! I am so thankful for the people I've met and friendships that have grown in this year. I've had so much fun, read wonderful books, eaten incredible food, made fantastic memories, embraced becoming a crazy cat mom, laughed until it hurt & fallen even more in love with Miles. I just also want to be real and honest about what I haven't done, and take the steps towards not repeating that in the new year.

Oh, June

Thinking about this month and all that it holds is pretty overwhelming, thankfully in a good way. 

We begin with Miles' birthday on the 5th. My husband's birthday. Thinking about it in those terms, "my husband's", makes me feel butterfly-ey all over again, almost a year later.

The day after his birthday, we head down to the burbs for a dog-sitting stint. Hopefully we won't be working too much to be able to enjoy the pool and actually enjoy being outside in the heat. While we're dog-sitting, we are also scheduled to close on a house!!! Yep. June 12th, if all goes well, we will become home owners. Two weeks from yesterday. Phew, thinking about it in that time frame makes my stomach turn. Really, with the dog-sitting, we only have a week left in our tiny apartment. Our first little home. And that thought fills me with excitement and a little sadness at the same time. 

So we finish dog-sitting and are planning on moving in Father's day weekend. I love the house and can't wait to start unpacking and finding a place for everything, but I think that will be a looong process. Since we know we'll be in this house for a while, we can really settle down and find things that are specific to the spaces we want to create. And we'll have some small bedrooms to work with--so imma have to get super creative. We're so excited to make this house our home; to eventually turn all our talk into reality, to have a backyard and a deck, a washer, dryer and a dishwasher (!!!). And we'll of course be so happy to be done with house hunting, offer making and contract reading. Fourth times a charm?

At some point during this month I will get to see my mom for the first time since August! I can't wait to just sit down and have a face to face conversation with her. Maybe in our new home? Probably. Which just makes it all the more special. 

Then at the end of the month we will be skipping town, and probably leaving a very cluttered un-organized house, to celebrate our one year anniversary! How has it been a year already? I remember last June and all the wedding build up so well, I can't believe how quickly this year has flown by--and how much has happened within it. So June will be full of moving forward to new, exciting, scary grown-up things, and looking back on an amazing year (or 26, for Miles).

This was a wordy post. But June is going to be ridic!! I'll have to relish in the (imagined) peacefulness of the last day and a half of May.

A Little Trip Down iPhone Photo Memory Lane

Longest post title ever?
I upgraded my phone last week, and ended up transferring all my phone pictures to my computer to free up some major space. I had more pictures than anything else on my phone, and my phone was jam packed full. And now I get to look through all those old pictures on my computer, which makes me love them even more. Why haven't I always done this? So I've decided to select a few pictures at a time to share and remember. Even as I think about this, I am overwhelmed with all that has happened in the past year and thankful that I had my phone to snap a few lot of pictures. January- February 2011, here we goooo

Walking to brunch, cozy old room, Fishy McBishy, waiting a million hours for Loveless food, picnic lovin', thoughtful Valentine's card (the front said "will you be my..."), V-day date.

It doesn't feel like that long ago. How has it already been over a year?

Wait, Its A New Year Already?

Oy vey! I feel bad for not having blogged the obligatory new years reflection/resolution post. I loved reading everyone else's. Over the weekend, Miles and I had so many conversations about all that happened in 2011 and all that we hope for 2012. I feel like I had a huge blogged reflection on my birthday not too long ago, and not too much happened in the month between the bday and new years. Except a wonderful first Christmas with Boo. Woonnderrful.

The biggest thing in our lives right now is our pre-approvedness for a mortgage! Until a few months ago, Miles and I thought buying a house wasn't anywhere in our near future. Then we realized that was a false assumption. We're in no rush at all.  Our landlady is so sweet and we know she'll be more than willing to work with us if we don't find a home before our lease is up at the end of March, so that gives us enough breathing room to take our time to find the perfect house to buy. All that being said, houses are definitely  on the brain in our little family. Miles and I will email each other multiple listings throughout the day, and then drool and dream over the ones we love when we're home in the evenings. 

So its budget crunch time. As in, actually stick to our budget. Mostly me sticking to our budget. No more $3 coffees or strolling through Target. Also, say yes to any babysitting gigs. Which is so hard for me to do . I'm so protective of any time with Miles. And I basically babysit 50 hours a week as it is. I guess that also goes for working all my retails shifts instead of giving them away. Insert pouty face here.

Okay, heres one resolution for this blog--at least have some pictures to go along with wordy posts. Starting next time. 

Old Home

So, I grew up in Hong Kong. We moved there when I was 9 and for the first few years we lived there I was pretty indifferent. Then I became somewhat bitter--thought I was missing out on something by not growing up in the States or something like that. Something completely ridiculous. Then the last year or so, I absolutely loved Hong Kong. Loved every street, every bus ride, every time I rode MTR, walking everywhere in a huge crowd of people, towering skyscrapers, a 28th floor apartment with my bedroom overlooking the sea. It really was home. It really was a huge part of me. It still is, but its been so long since I've been back that sometimes it feels more like a dream than 7 years of my growing up. (and I have dreams about being back there at least once a week)

I saw this video floating around on my HK friend's facebook pages and once I finally had a moment to watch it I fell in love with the city all over again. I love Nashville, I do...and Hong Kong and Nashville could be a little more opposite than they already are. But not by much. How strange to know that the only two places I consider home could be so different. Like, so different. 

[ Homeland ] - with my DIY motion-dolly from Asa Li on Vimeo.

This video is so breathtaking. I need to watch it at least once a week to remember my old home well, and not the weird way I dream of it.