Mourning

I want to remember what I'm feeling.

(image via)

A little over a week ago, my phone rang and something in me changed. 

A person that I had known my whole life had unexpectedly passed away. 

She was the cool older kid who always included me, she was one of the few people apart from family that we kept in touch with after we moved across the world. Our daily lives stopped crossing natural paths 15 years ago--and now that I think of it, they hardly ever crossed naturally, she just made a point to make sure they did. I am the living cliche of not realizing how much someone means to me until they are gone. Of always assuming a tomorrow, or later, or more time.

There is something about an unexpected death that I knew was tragic and heartbreaking, but haven't been able to feel until now. To be untouched by that pain for 24 years is a gift I didn't realize I was holding on to. And the pain is in my lungs, tightening the air, in my throat, choking my breath, and in an ever constant threat of pouring out of my eyes. And then there is the pain in my heart for all those she left behind. Her parents, brother, grandmother, and her son. For all of her friends, hundreds who showed up for a final goodbye.

My dad flew in to speak at her funeral and did the most incredible job of celebrating who she was and how she loved others. He spoke about time, how we are bound to it, and how we measure it. Lara was 36 years old. My dad said if we measured our lives not by days and years, but by friendships and the love we give, she would've outlived us all. And she would've. 

And so I'm re-thinking how I measure time, and how I love others.  

Thats about all I can stand to hold on to from the past week.

Even though I'm at al loss when it comes to finding a new normal,

I know it exists and that I am just learning how to grieve.

Pause

Jackson skies over the weekend

If it wasn't already pretty obvious, I'm taking a lil' break. Miles keeps asking me to put up new posts, but I'm just not feeling it. Everything is wonderful, but I feel a bit like a broken record on here. So I won't bore you with the same details, and I'll continue to focus on being present and thankful in each moment. The end! For now.

wknd

We hung out like crazy and had so much fun, I forgot to take any pictures. I'm okay with that.

52 Lists: Greatest Comforts

You know, in theory, I would love to have my own baby to take a portrait of every week this year. Alas, I do not. I'll just look at everyone else's. But I am going to try and take part of Moorea's 52 Lists series-albeit, I'm getting a late start. This week, I listed my greatest comforts. I kind of got carried away, but I really loved what Moorea said about her list making,

     "I thought I would only have maybe 5 or 6 methods to finding comfort, but my list kept growing and growing!  And now every time I look at my list, I just feel comfort surrounding me as I think of all of the ways that I can grasp comfort in my everyday life" 

Boom! Ditto. Exactly.

Grey Days

Oh, hey.

After dragging through the rainy, icy coldness that was yesterday, I sprung out of bed early on time this morning to ensure that I could get some espresso in my body to better brace myself for another grey day. Personally, I love these kinds of days--when I'm not at work, cooped up inside with three energetic kiddos. I think I've explained the concept of "sharing" and "taking turns"about three zillion times in the past two hours. But you know what? I'm so grateful for this job, for baby kisses, for my home, my kitten son, my love, real conversations, new coffee shops, good books and hot tea. Deciding to be thankful and intentional, and then actually following through has been so wonderful. Why didn't I do this earlier?