Lately

Bend is nothing if not drop-dead-gorgeous. From the sunsets, our front porch view of the mountains, waterfall hikes, and five straight days of snow...it makes adjusting a little easier when I get to see a giant jack rabbit hop in and out of the foot of snow in our yard while I sit at the window and type this sentence. I mean, come on! Is this real life??

Now What?

Confession—I’m having a hard time. 

I’m having a hard time finding a job. I’m having a hard time being completely alone 80% of the week, and not knowing anyone to call in this city to chip away at that percentage. I’m having a hard time maintaining some sort of normality with my sleep schedule (aka not watching Veronica Mars until two o’clock in the morning and then sleeping until eleven). I’m having a hard time being with our dog all the time now that he’s gone insane and seems to be beckoning me to join him. I’m having a hard time being even a little productive with my empty days. I’m having a hard time trying not to be negative and sarcastic about life right now. I’m having a hard time trying to let go of how I thought life would be this year. 

When I watched babies and people asked me what I did I always replied with, “I’m just a nanny”.  Just. It was easy since I knew the job already had a time limit to it, two years and then I would move on to what I was supposed to do. When I actually moved on and ended up working for durable medical supply company, I really fought hard to not let this be something that I felt defined me. I was grateful for employment and the stability it offered, but I wanted to do my best and move on as quickly as possible. “I’m a CPAP consultant”, I would reply with the biggest possible eye roll and smirk on my face. It wasn’t who I was it was just what I did. 

Now I cook and clean, do the laundry, take the dog for a walk, and wait for my husband to come home. So if this is just what I do and not who I am, why do I feel so defined by it?

Moving across the country felt like a clean slate. That was how I comforted and reasoned with myself. A fresh start! I can be the kind of person I’ve wanted to be and talked about being, because no one will know the difference! I can get a job doing something I really want to do, no more excuses!…I can think of plenty excuses to take just about any job that comes my way after applying to at least 20 postings in a week and hearing absolutely nothing back from anyone—even in retail.

So yeah, I’m having a hard time. And I know I probably sound ridiculous and ungrateful—I’ll get around to writing a out how gorgeous it is here and how I honestly feel that Miles and I are going to be so happy here…but in this moment (and most of the moments in the past 3 weeks) I needed to confess that I feel really lost. 

At least now I have the time to unsubscribe from all Nashville area deals, shows, offers, exciting news. 

Tennessee to Oregon

It was absolutely gorgeous all week. We saw a bunch of cows, horses and tumbleweeds, unbelievable colors in Arizona and New Mexico, discovered Gallup is an extremely scary and depressing town, learned that you can see the light from Las Vegas filling (ahem, polluting) the sky from 100 miles away, and that theres a whole lot of nothing in between the bigger cities in the southwest.

Miles and I listened to four audio books, and are still trying to finish the last one we started--its a little harder in 10 minute bursts of in-town driving now. Jack was so stressed he started to lose his hair.  We thought we lost Rowan in our Las Vegas hotel. After a solid 15 minutes of frantically walking running  through the lobby and down all the hallways, we found him hiding really well under the bed in our room. Boone actually did the best of all our animals on the trip (he is now the worst in Bend. its like the terrible twos for dogs with him). We drank so much gas station coffee and ate all the weird flavored chips, and we made it to Bend without any real issues. 

This is obviously a briefest of summaries. This was huge--the trip and the journey. The trip is over, I'm still processing what the end result is...

We're moving! We're moving. Oh my goodness, we're moving...

On the 6th of January, Miles and I are packing our pets up and driving across the country to our new home in Bend, Oregon. Miles accepted his new job offer 12 days ago, and in 8 more days we will be on our way. To say that I am overwhelmed would be just a touch of an understatement. I have never had to work so hard at ignoring my OCD control freak nature, because I sho’ ain’t in control.

We’re getting kind of down to the wire with our moving company quotes. I have no idea who will actually be transporting all that we own to Oregon, or when anything will arrive. The absolute best thing about this is that we have a place to arrive at in Bend, a temporary housing situation, if you will. And if I ever finish drawing up a lease, we will have friends as tenants for our house here. Frenants. 

This is the first time since we decided to move that I have sat down for more than 2 minutes and done something unrelated to work (yesterday was my last day at the office), or packing up and leaving (and all that entails). 

When I was flying out to meet Miles in Bend a few weekends ago--exactly three weekends ago--I started reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. Miles bought it for me months ago after we saw (and met!) her at a library event downtown. The event itself was incredible. I held my breath when finally I saw her on stage and hung on to every word she spoke. “If you want to write, just write”. Simple in theory, but coming from Anne Lamott, it felt like I was just given the answer to an impossible equation & then empowered to go out and take over the world with this knowledge. She went on to explain that her book, Bird by Bird is all about her thoughts on writing. And then the heavens opened and God smiled down on me and said “yes, my child, Anne’s thoughts on writing”.

In the only picture Miles was able to get of me while I had her sign my book (her book?), my face is bright red and I have the goofiest, widest smile on my face. Every time I look at that picture, I remember exactly how I felt, and exactly what I said “I’m just so happy you’re here”. As in, right in front of me, taking a book from my hand. But I don’t know if thats the message that was conveyed since its kind of a weird message. Anne just smiled and raised her eyebrows and said, “Oh? Thank you.” 

All that being said...I want want to write, so I’m going to write. I want to be real, so I’m going to be real. I haven’t liked who I’ve become with this big move looming over our heads--more worried than usual, struggling to let go of how I thought our next year of life would be, super freakin’ dramatic and emotional--but thats just who I am right now, and I’m working through all of that. 

I quit blogging because I felt so fake and self-obsessed. I tried to present my life in a pretty  and exciting light, but my life is really not all that pretty or exciting all the time--comparatively speaking. And that was also a problem, I was comparing my life to others, which always  left me feeling disappointed and dumb. But when I quit blogging, I quit writing. Not all together, but I didn’t realize what a good outlet this blog was until I wasn’t using it anymore. So we’ll see. I also want to start taking pictures again, without the intent to post them somewhere. I want to do a lot of things just for myself. And as selfish as that may sound, I need to take better care of myself and learn to treat myself again (treat yo’ self). And my treats are reading, writing and capturing shots of the world around me and the people I love. 

There are so many better things I could have said when I met Anne Lamott, but those all came to me at a much later, conveniently useless time. There are so many other things that I wish I would have experienced more fully and appreciated more, but I always responded with “later, I’ll be in the moment later".

If moving across the country at the beginning of a new year with just my boo, our pets & no clue how everything will work out isn’t the time to start doing all the things I’ve wanted to do, then I don’t know when is. 

So here we go.

Last Day

Today is my last day of nannying. This week has felt really hectic and rushed, so I haven't really had any time to process that this is it. Its strange to love a small someone so completely unrelated to you, but  I do, and this babe has changed me. I have spent more time with this one child over the past two years than with any other person, even Miles. There has only been one week of my married life where I wasn't her nanny. So much has happened and countless things have changed over the past two years, but this will be the biggest one for me. 

I  know this isn't parenthood, no where close! I handed her back over at the end of each day and had my freedom to come home to. But there is a sadness in leaving that I can't quite find the words for. This little girl  is so intelligent, heart-meltingly sweet and incredibly funny. I will miss hearing her shout my name when I come in the mornings "Met-ooh-wee!!", when she gets really close to my face, says "wook ah me" and gives me a kiss, and when she squeals with excitement and falls into fits of laughter. To love such a small babe, to watch her grow, and to (eventually) be loved back, is truly one of the most incredible experiences of my life thus far. 

Sister

Can I just say how much I seriously love my sister? She is absolutely one of the best people I know. That being said, all the other best people I know happen to also be in my family....I'm not at all biased or partial, I'm just that lucky.

This girl is living it up in Chicago--a city we all know I constantly drool over and dream about. She takes the friggin coolest courses in school. She's getting certified as a non-profit professional--which is more legit than my whole degree. She has the absolute funniest real life stories. She is so goofy and holds her own in the sarcasm city that is my life. We say whole, unplanned sentences together more than should naturally be possible. Poor Miles is doubly made fun of whenever my sister and I are together.

Hannah and I weren't really close (like, at all) until my senior year of high school, so we really missed out on some quality time together. But I think we've more than made up for that. I have so enjoyed watching her grow into an incredible, smart, strong young woman, and to see our relationship grow into adulthood. She is my kindred spirit and my best friend. She is amazing and I can't wait to see more of what her life holds and how she rises to the occasion!

Mourning

I want to remember what I'm feeling.

(image via)

A little over a week ago, my phone rang and something in me changed. 

A person that I had known my whole life had unexpectedly passed away. 

She was the cool older kid who always included me, she was one of the few people apart from family that we kept in touch with after we moved across the world. Our daily lives stopped crossing natural paths 15 years ago--and now that I think of it, they hardly ever crossed naturally, she just made a point to make sure they did. I am the living cliche of not realizing how much someone means to me until they are gone. Of always assuming a tomorrow, or later, or more time.

There is something about an unexpected death that I knew was tragic and heartbreaking, but haven't been able to feel until now. To be untouched by that pain for 24 years is a gift I didn't realize I was holding on to. And the pain is in my lungs, tightening the air, in my throat, choking my breath, and in an ever constant threat of pouring out of my eyes. And then there is the pain in my heart for all those she left behind. Her parents, brother, grandmother, and her son. For all of her friends, hundreds who showed up for a final goodbye.

My dad flew in to speak at her funeral and did the most incredible job of celebrating who she was and how she loved others. He spoke about time, how we are bound to it, and how we measure it. Lara was 36 years old. My dad said if we measured our lives not by days and years, but by friendships and the love we give, she would've outlived us all. And she would've. 

And so I'm re-thinking how I measure time, and how I love others.  

Thats about all I can stand to hold on to from the past week.

Even though I'm at al loss when it comes to finding a new normal,

I know it exists and that I am just learning how to grieve.

Pause

Jackson skies over the weekend

If it wasn't already pretty obvious, I'm taking a lil' break. Miles keeps asking me to put up new posts, but I'm just not feeling it. Everything is wonderful, but I feel a bit like a broken record on here. So I won't bore you with the same details, and I'll continue to focus on being present and thankful in each moment. The end! For now.

wknd

We hung out like crazy and had so much fun, I forgot to take any pictures. I'm okay with that.

52 Lists: Greatest Comforts

You know, in theory, I would love to have my own baby to take a portrait of every week this year. Alas, I do not. I'll just look at everyone else's. But I am going to try and take part of Moorea's 52 Lists series-albeit, I'm getting a late start. This week, I listed my greatest comforts. I kind of got carried away, but I really loved what Moorea said about her list making,

     "I thought I would only have maybe 5 or 6 methods to finding comfort, but my list kept growing and growing!  And now every time I look at my list, I just feel comfort surrounding me as I think of all of the ways that I can grasp comfort in my everyday life" 

Boom! Ditto. Exactly.

Grey Days

Oh, hey.

After dragging through the rainy, icy coldness that was yesterday, I sprung out of bed early on time this morning to ensure that I could get some espresso in my body to better brace myself for another grey day. Personally, I love these kinds of days--when I'm not at work, cooped up inside with three energetic kiddos. I think I've explained the concept of "sharing" and "taking turns"about three zillion times in the past two hours. But you know what? I'm so grateful for this job, for baby kisses, for my home, my kitten son, my love, real conversations, new coffee shops, good books and hot tea. Deciding to be thankful and intentional, and then actually following through has been so wonderful. Why didn't I do this earlier?

An Old Year, A New Year

I have hope that this new year will hold a lot for me. I've just re-read a ton of older posts from this blog and basically kept reading the same thing in each one. Ever since starting this nannying gig, my life has kind of felt like its on hold. So many things have happened since then, we've gone on trips, tried to buy several houses, finally succeeded, gone on countless dates, had a lot of fun...But when I re-read my words over the past year and a half, I get the distinct sense that I've been living in a muted fashion. 

There is some arbitrary notion that I can't shake from my brain that once I am able to put my degree to work in some way, I'll feel the sense of accomplishment  that I am currently lacking. I feel like all the "big" things I've done have been part of the "we" that is Miles and I. Obviously I recognize that I am married, and that its going to be "we" for a very long time--and I'm so very happy about that. But Miles and I both believe that we are still very much individual people. And while we have so many shared hopes and dreams, we also have distinctly individual aspirations. 

I am grateful to have a partner who believes in me more than I often believe in myself. I'm going to really need to work on believing in myself come Summer 2013 when I start looking for a new, "real" job. I am 100% terrified, but will have also been waiting for this new chapter to begin for almost two years. Two years I put life on hold*! And I'm not all too convinced that I needed to put everything on hold, I think I'm just really intimidated by the thought of wading deeper into adulthood and all that entails.

Around this time last year, I reflected a lot on how amazing 2011 had been. Finishing school and getting married were two of the biggest things that had ever happened to me. But I didn't spend a whole lot of serious thought on what 2012 would hold, or what I wanted it to. For the first time....ever, I knew what job I would have for the entire year, how my days and weeks would look, no huge deadlines of any sort, no big changes, no more semesters to plan around...I knew what 2012 was going to be like, generally speaking. And generally speaking, I was right. I wasn't challenged because I didn't challenge myself. Sure I didn't know the details, but not setting goals or having dreams for the new year definitely fed into my complacency and life-on-hold-ness. I started thinking about this actually around my birthday this year, when I realized I hadn't done much that I was proud of in my 23rd year of life--that put a damper on my celebrations for sure.

So I'm going to be intentional. Miles and I use that word a lot in our relationship. We work really hard on being intentional with one another, and I will continue to do so with him. But in 2013, I'm resolving to be intentional with myself. Which feels really scary since I've fallen so out of habit. 

I was kind of on the fence with this blog. I always worry about the borderline narcissistic nature of posting about my life. But I needed to have all those posts to re-read in order to realize what I wanted for myself in the new year. My journals never make much sense if I ever try to re-read them, this blog's archive is way more helpful in that sense. So I'll keep on posting, if only for myself. To hold myself accountable to words written about taking better care of my Self.

*  I really don't want to sound like I've had a miserable year, I really haven't! I am so thankful for the people I've met and friendships that have grown in this year. I've had so much fun, read wonderful books, eaten incredible food, made fantastic memories, embraced becoming a crazy cat mom, laughed until it hurt & fallen even more in love with Miles. I just also want to be real and honest about what I haven't done, and take the steps towards not repeating that in the new year.

Happy Holidays!

Birthday Weekend

Almost 3 weeks late, but it was a wonderful weekend filled with s'mores, road trippin', museums, zoo visits, city loving, mixed drinks & fancy hotels.

Here's to my twenty-fourth year!

Takeback

And this is the post where I take all my whining back.

I've been slowly making my way through Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies, and not so slowly falling in love with her writing and story telling all over again. With my whining and self pity still heavy on my mind last night, I curled up in bed with this book and read with my heart in my throat the whole time. 

You know those days where you really just want to feel sorry for yourself? That was my day yesterday.  I think I've been ignoring how exhausted I am, which has made everything else seem a lot more overwhelming than it normally would. Even though everything I was feeling was real and true, I gave it way too much power over my life and my mind. Anne talks about her "Bad Mind" kicking in and doing some pretty decent, self-inflicted damage---100% me, yesterday. And in one chapter, she talks about a man who worked for the Dalai Lama, speaking to an overwhelmed woman who sat by him on the train: 

"He said--gently--that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born"

Now I don't think that a lot of things were necessarily going wrong in my life, but sometimes it certainly feels like it--especially when I let it feel that way. Anne later talks about a particularly terrible day and how it was resolved, saying, 

"Back in the saddle again, I thought to myself, the story of my life. I still did not know what was trying to distract me so it could get itself born, but I felt happier than I had in a long time"

Heart in throat, tears brimming my eyes, Anne Lamott totally called me out. I really don't have all the answers, or everything planned out, or the best way to deal with stress in my life, or any idea what to do "next" in life...but I have had so many lovely things already born, and many more to come in my life.

Everything I complained about has a positive flip side and I just chose to ignore it, yesterday and on so many other occasions. I just love the raw honesty that I've encountered in Traveling Mercies, and how it plucked me out of the self pity party that I threw for myself yesterday. 

Whiney Post

Uhhh, where did November go? 

I was basically sick the whole month. Between my first migraine, the thousand headaches that followed, ER visits, doctor dealings, a claustrophobic MRI, and trying not to think that I have a serious illness (I don't)...this month would have been exhausting even if it hadn't had a birthday, thanksgiving, and all the family and celebrating that comes with the season. Don't get me wrong, I loved my birthday and I loved having everyone over for thanksgiving, but having to peace out and take naps every day to get over a headache kind of sucked.

And so far, December hasn't really looked too relaxing either. We were out of town yesterday and are trying to plan a trip to see the newest family member (I must see bebe) before Christmas. And then theres Christmas! Oy vey, y'all. 

I could seriously go on and on, but basically I'm just feeling really drained and unable to fully appreciate my favorite time of the year. I miss my family so much, I feel like a terribly absent friend,  Rowan keeps us up most of the night, our house is a mess (which really stresses me out), work is really exhausting, and I draw a complete blank when I think about what I'm going to do once my nanny gig is up in the summer. 

I was sharing all this with Miles last night on top of feeling like I'm really struggling with living in the present, without becoming complacent. Even as I type all of this I feel so scatterbrained and overwhelmed. How do I shut my planner mind up?

I really wish we were going to my parents for Christmas this year, why does flying to Hawaii for Christmas (or ever) have to be so expensive! We're really hoping to make it happen next Christmas, we should've started saving for that months ago, but I'm pretty determined to make it happen. I'm okay with a warm Christmas as long as its with my family.

A New City To Love

I'm sure I had a blast at all my kid-aged birthday parties, but as far as what I can remember as an adult--this birthday takes the cake. The birthday cake. I still need to upload pictures of all our fun, Miles surprised me with tickets to White Christmas on Thursday, threw a little surprise party/bonfire for me on Friday, and whisked me away to St. Louis for the weekend!

Can I confess that I fell in love with St. Louis during the 24 hours that we were there? I've already found dreamy old homes that we can buy (as in, actually afford) and searched for jobs in the area. I do recognize that I get like this after I visit certain places, ahem, Chicago...and I have a whole list of reasons why its different this time. Not that we're packing up any time soon, but I do love dreaming. 

image via

To Health

Well, I had my first migraine experience last week, and it was a solid eight day ordeal. I still don't feel 100% normal, but I am so very thankful to be able to function again! I'm still taking things really slowly and not trying to take on too much at once, but that can be difficult while taking care of two children under the age of two. I'm thankful for bosses who understand when I need to rest and a husband who takes care of everything so I can do so. I'm also really hoping to be back to normal before this weekend and subsequent birthday celebrations! 

While Rowan wasn't attacking my feet or destroying our house, he was a wonderfully adorable cuddle partner during my sick days.

He's gotten a little crazy lately, but we still love him to pieces. 

November Love

It is finally November!! November is my very favorite month for oh so many reasons: Its chilly outside, I have reached the globally accepted date my personally set date of choice for when I can begin to listen to Christmas music (yep, I'm that person)...and this November, my birthday and Thanksgiving fall within the same week. So not only do I get a weekend birthday celebration, but I will only have 2 (and maybe one half) days of work and then my brother and sister are coming to town! Can someone say best week ever?? I can. I can also write it down in every calendar in my life, and I have.

Miles and I are hosting Thanksgiving this year...whatever that means when there is only going to be a handful of people over. But still, I'm sure I'll start stressing over that soon enough. And then we get to go pick out a Christmas tree and hopefully decorate it while my siblings are still in town! This will be my second Christmas spent away from my family, but if I get to decorate this tree with not one, but three of my favorite family members (for the record, I love them all and they are all my favorite) in the whole world, I think that may take some of the sting away when Christmas rolls around.

If November is my favorite month, Christmas is definitely my favorite holiday season. I'm actually really sad on Christmas day because that means its all over. All the beautiful lights, wonderful music,  the old movies, the warm fuzzies...le sigh. I seriously love it so much...and so I let all that begin--much to Boo's chagrin, in November. Because I'll never get enough.

I love everything on this blog, and in Oana's etsy shop. Click here for the November desktop calendar!

Thirty First

Miles and I have never really done much for Halloween...ever. But in an attempt to be good neighbors (and not get our house egged) we are going to camp out on our porch tonight and give out candy! I hope we can meet some more of our neighbors, and I'm really looking forward to seeing some cute little kiddos in costumes. I took the nanny babies to the library for Halloween Story Time the morning, and goodness me, there were some pretty adorable costumes. I think I'll enjoy Halloween much more when I have a little beeb of my own to dress up. Duhh.

But for now, I just need everyone to come and take all of this candy I bought before I eat it all. And  I need them to come early so we can catch up on The Walking Dead and still go to bed early. Kthanks. Yours truly, the 23 year old in the house at the end of the street.