Lately

Bend is nothing if not drop-dead-gorgeous. From the sunsets, our front porch view of the mountains, waterfall hikes, and five straight days of snow...it makes adjusting a little easier when I get to see a giant jack rabbit hop in and out of the foot of snow in our yard while I sit at the window and type this sentence. I mean, come on! Is this real life??

Now What?

Confession—I’m having a hard time. 

I’m having a hard time finding a job. I’m having a hard time being completely alone 80% of the week, and not knowing anyone to call in this city to chip away at that percentage. I’m having a hard time maintaining some sort of normality with my sleep schedule (aka not watching Veronica Mars until two o’clock in the morning and then sleeping until eleven). I’m having a hard time being with our dog all the time now that he’s gone insane and seems to be beckoning me to join him. I’m having a hard time being even a little productive with my empty days. I’m having a hard time trying not to be negative and sarcastic about life right now. I’m having a hard time trying to let go of how I thought life would be this year. 

When I watched babies and people asked me what I did I always replied with, “I’m just a nanny”.  Just. It was easy since I knew the job already had a time limit to it, two years and then I would move on to what I was supposed to do. When I actually moved on and ended up working for durable medical supply company, I really fought hard to not let this be something that I felt defined me. I was grateful for employment and the stability it offered, but I wanted to do my best and move on as quickly as possible. “I’m a CPAP consultant”, I would reply with the biggest possible eye roll and smirk on my face. It wasn’t who I was it was just what I did. 

Now I cook and clean, do the laundry, take the dog for a walk, and wait for my husband to come home. So if this is just what I do and not who I am, why do I feel so defined by it?

Moving across the country felt like a clean slate. That was how I comforted and reasoned with myself. A fresh start! I can be the kind of person I’ve wanted to be and talked about being, because no one will know the difference! I can get a job doing something I really want to do, no more excuses!…I can think of plenty excuses to take just about any job that comes my way after applying to at least 20 postings in a week and hearing absolutely nothing back from anyone—even in retail.

So yeah, I’m having a hard time. And I know I probably sound ridiculous and ungrateful—I’ll get around to writing a out how gorgeous it is here and how I honestly feel that Miles and I are going to be so happy here…but in this moment (and most of the moments in the past 3 weeks) I needed to confess that I feel really lost. 

At least now I have the time to unsubscribe from all Nashville area deals, shows, offers, exciting news. 

Tennessee to Oregon

It was absolutely gorgeous all week. We saw a bunch of cows, horses and tumbleweeds, unbelievable colors in Arizona and New Mexico, discovered Gallup is an extremely scary and depressing town, learned that you can see the light from Las Vegas filling (ahem, polluting) the sky from 100 miles away, and that theres a whole lot of nothing in between the bigger cities in the southwest.

Miles and I listened to four audio books, and are still trying to finish the last one we started--its a little harder in 10 minute bursts of in-town driving now. Jack was so stressed he started to lose his hair.  We thought we lost Rowan in our Las Vegas hotel. After a solid 15 minutes of frantically walking running  through the lobby and down all the hallways, we found him hiding really well under the bed in our room. Boone actually did the best of all our animals on the trip (he is now the worst in Bend. its like the terrible twos for dogs with him). We drank so much gas station coffee and ate all the weird flavored chips, and we made it to Bend without any real issues. 

This is obviously a briefest of summaries. This was huge--the trip and the journey. The trip is over, I'm still processing what the end result is...

We're moving! We're moving. Oh my goodness, we're moving...

On the 6th of January, Miles and I are packing our pets up and driving across the country to our new home in Bend, Oregon. Miles accepted his new job offer 12 days ago, and in 8 more days we will be on our way. To say that I am overwhelmed would be just a touch of an understatement. I have never had to work so hard at ignoring my OCD control freak nature, because I sho’ ain’t in control.

We’re getting kind of down to the wire with our moving company quotes. I have no idea who will actually be transporting all that we own to Oregon, or when anything will arrive. The absolute best thing about this is that we have a place to arrive at in Bend, a temporary housing situation, if you will. And if I ever finish drawing up a lease, we will have friends as tenants for our house here. Frenants. 

This is the first time since we decided to move that I have sat down for more than 2 minutes and done something unrelated to work (yesterday was my last day at the office), or packing up and leaving (and all that entails). 

When I was flying out to meet Miles in Bend a few weekends ago--exactly three weekends ago--I started reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. Miles bought it for me months ago after we saw (and met!) her at a library event downtown. The event itself was incredible. I held my breath when finally I saw her on stage and hung on to every word she spoke. “If you want to write, just write”. Simple in theory, but coming from Anne Lamott, it felt like I was just given the answer to an impossible equation & then empowered to go out and take over the world with this knowledge. She went on to explain that her book, Bird by Bird is all about her thoughts on writing. And then the heavens opened and God smiled down on me and said “yes, my child, Anne’s thoughts on writing”.

In the only picture Miles was able to get of me while I had her sign my book (her book?), my face is bright red and I have the goofiest, widest smile on my face. Every time I look at that picture, I remember exactly how I felt, and exactly what I said “I’m just so happy you’re here”. As in, right in front of me, taking a book from my hand. But I don’t know if thats the message that was conveyed since its kind of a weird message. Anne just smiled and raised her eyebrows and said, “Oh? Thank you.” 

All that being said...I want want to write, so I’m going to write. I want to be real, so I’m going to be real. I haven’t liked who I’ve become with this big move looming over our heads--more worried than usual, struggling to let go of how I thought our next year of life would be, super freakin’ dramatic and emotional--but thats just who I am right now, and I’m working through all of that. 

I quit blogging because I felt so fake and self-obsessed. I tried to present my life in a pretty  and exciting light, but my life is really not all that pretty or exciting all the time--comparatively speaking. And that was also a problem, I was comparing my life to others, which always  left me feeling disappointed and dumb. But when I quit blogging, I quit writing. Not all together, but I didn’t realize what a good outlet this blog was until I wasn’t using it anymore. So we’ll see. I also want to start taking pictures again, without the intent to post them somewhere. I want to do a lot of things just for myself. And as selfish as that may sound, I need to take better care of myself and learn to treat myself again (treat yo’ self). And my treats are reading, writing and capturing shots of the world around me and the people I love. 

There are so many better things I could have said when I met Anne Lamott, but those all came to me at a much later, conveniently useless time. There are so many other things that I wish I would have experienced more fully and appreciated more, but I always responded with “later, I’ll be in the moment later".

If moving across the country at the beginning of a new year with just my boo, our pets & no clue how everything will work out isn’t the time to start doing all the things I’ve wanted to do, then I don’t know when is. 

So here we go.

Last Day

Today is my last day of nannying. This week has felt really hectic and rushed, so I haven't really had any time to process that this is it. Its strange to love a small someone so completely unrelated to you, but  I do, and this babe has changed me. I have spent more time with this one child over the past two years than with any other person, even Miles. There has only been one week of my married life where I wasn't her nanny. So much has happened and countless things have changed over the past two years, but this will be the biggest one for me. 

I  know this isn't parenthood, no where close! I handed her back over at the end of each day and had my freedom to come home to. But there is a sadness in leaving that I can't quite find the words for. This little girl  is so intelligent, heart-meltingly sweet and incredibly funny. I will miss hearing her shout my name when I come in the mornings "Met-ooh-wee!!", when she gets really close to my face, says "wook ah me" and gives me a kiss, and when she squeals with excitement and falls into fits of laughter. To love such a small babe, to watch her grow, and to (eventually) be loved back, is truly one of the most incredible experiences of my life thus far.